When you're 20 and feel the need for a pill box organizer.

Throughout my depression, dealing with my medications have been among my biggest struggles. There are so many antidepressants on the market now that it's almost a guessing game when trying to find the right fit for you. I have been on every popular one, and have never been on the same mixture for longer than a year. However, come June, this will change. Since then I have been on the following:

• 200 mg Lamictal
• 54 mg Concerta
• 10 mg Prozac
• 10mg Ritalin

While these haven't completely been the miracle drugs I was seeking, they have worked better than anything I had previously tried and honestly, I am tired of trying.

The only things is, I sometimes wonder if they benefit my life enough to outweigh the bad that comes with them. I know that statement isn't exactly true. I'm aware that I could not quit taking medicine, but the amount of, ironically, stress they cause me is pretty heavy.

First off, my insurance company has given me all sorts of hell. They require me to mail order as much as possible which involves me dealing with my doctor's chaotic and often hard to reach office.

The fact that I am on Ritalin and Concerta has caused a lot of drama and hush-hush tones in my family as well. My father does not believe I should be on either due to his though that they are over prescribed and "prescription coke."

A few weeks ago I came to the defense of my cousin's wife when another cousin mentioned in a gossipy way that she was on Adderall. I simply stated that yes, I was aware of this and hey, isn't she prescribed it? This continued until I admitted that I took Ritalin and that it helped me out a great deal. Cut to a mere 24 hours later when my mother phones to scold me. Her sister had already called to quiz her about it. I did not understand why I couldn't discuss my medicine or illness, neither of which I'm ashamed of, with a family member. Mother simply rattled off something about stigma and people being nosy.

Another thing with the Ritalin is that since I began taking it a year ago, I have lost close to 30lbs. This has cause speculation, veiled inquiries, and flat out accusations of drugs and/or eating disorders from friends, family, and almost strangers. As someone who always had issues with their weight and is also recovering from bulimia, I have gone from enjoying a compliment on my size to feeling anger when it's mentioned.

Despite my stimulants, I have major fatigue. My body aches, my head hurts, and I feel dizzy. I went to a new general practitioner to get a basic check up. When telling him about my problems he repeatedly brushed them off to my medicine. I have never liked doctors. Actually, that's an understatement. My relationships with them are rocky to say the least. To sit there and have this man who is seeing me for the first time wrinkle his brow at my list of medications and state that the amount and combination of them would cause health problems for anyone, much less a girl so young had never made me so upset.

So with all of this, one has to ask:
Medicine--friend or foe?